How to have hard (but important) conversations with your teen

[6 MIN READ]

In this article:

• Adolescence is a time of lots of changes for your teen. Although it’s not always easy, one of the best ways you can help them navigate this period is by having some difficult conversations.

• Some of the important conversations you should have with your teen cover topics like mental health, conflict resolution, toxic relationships, body image and self-esteem, bullying, contraception and consent, and substance use.

• If you need help starting hard conversations with your teen, there are resources available to help.

How to have hard (but important) conversations with your teen

As a parent, you have a front-row seat to your teenager’s formative years: the good, the bad and the (sometimes) ugly. While you can bet the ride will bring lots of ups and downs, you can also help guide the journey from where you’re sitting — and help shape the destination.

Your teen is going through a lot of changes during adolescence, says Robin Henderson, Psy.D., chief executive for behavioral health for Providence Oregon. The chief driver of these changes, of course, is puberty, which is disrupting everything from their hormones to the shape of their body to the smoothness of their skin.

Dr. Henderson says some of the best ways to help your teen navigate the potential pitfalls of adolescence are by checking in with them regularly, asking open-ended questions and having proactive conversations about tough topics.

It may seem counterintuitive, but another important thing you can do for them is keeping an eye out for change. Often, that may mean a change in behavior, like suddenly struggling to get enough sleep or retreating to their room after school instead of having their typical snack.

Changes like these can signal it’s time to talk.

“Parents know their kids best,” Dr. Henderson says. “You see them in their natural environment, so you can tell when something’s off.” 

Still, while keeping open communication lines with your child during the teen years is vital, that doesn’t mean it’s easy.

Talking to your teen

When it’s time to talk to your teen about a tough topic, it’s important to pick a safe environment where you’re free of distractions, Dr. Henderson says. That may be in the kitchen while you’re making dinner or even in the car.

“I’m a big believer in car talks,” she says. “One of the things about having a conversation in the car is that you don’t have to make eye contact. Plus, you’re going somewhere, you’ve got some time to kill. It can be a good time to ask about what’s going on in school or with their friends.”

Here are some things Dr. Henderson suggests keeping in mind when talking to your teen:

About mental health

Adolescence is the age when many mental health disorders show up. In fact, Dr. Henderson notes that 75% of all mental health disorders “present” — meaning they start showing symptoms and affecting daily life — between the ages of 14 and 21.

“There can be changes in the school environment,” Dr. Henderson says. “Maybe there’s some bullying going on, or issues related to changes in friend groups. Or your teen could be struggling in a certain class.”

These types of situational factors can cause anxiety and depression in young people.

“It’s so important that if you start to see signs that signal changes in your teen’s normal routine or mood to make an appointment with their doctor to get things checked out,” Dr. Henderson says.

About conflict

If your child is dealing with conflicts with friends or with a relationship, remember that the goal should always be to listen. Let them know that what they’re feeling is valid and what they’re experiencing is real.

“The best thing you can do to help your child with conflict is to normalize it,” Dr. Henderson says. “It can help to share your own stories. But let them talk and really listen. Only offer solutions if you’re asked.”

About a toxic relationship

If you’re nervous that a relationship your teen is in — either with a friend or a significant other — is unhealthy, it can be hard to keep your emotions out of it. That’s why, in this instance, it might be best to suggest they talk to someone other than you, such as a trusted aunt or uncle, or a coach or teacher.

About body image and self-esteem

Any body image and self-esteem conversation with your child should first start with you.

“How do you, as a parent, view your own body?” Dr. Henderson asks. “How healthy is your own sense of self? We have to set the example for our kids.”

You can also help your teen by talking to them about the pitfalls of social media.

Still, if you’re noticing changes, such as your teen sleeping more than they used to or not eating as much as they should on a consistent basis, it’s probably time to talk to their pediatrician.   

“Keeping an eye out for signs of a possible problem can help with faster interventions, which leads to better outcomes,” Dr. Henderson says.

About bullying

The same logic applies to bullying. Watching for signs and stepping in quickly can help resolve a potential problem before it becomes something more serious.

If you learn your teen is the victim of bullying at school, for example, arranging a meeting with the school counselor to discuss what’s going on can help you address the issue right away.

If the bullying is happening online, you can teach your teen how to turn off negative comments. “They don’t have to listen to the bully,” Dr. Henderson says. “All good platforms give you the option to turn comments off altogether.”

Another way to help your teen combat online bullying — whether they’re the victim or it’s someone else — is by teaching them how to fight negativity with positivity.

If they see one of their friends getting bullied online, for instance, you can teach them how to flood the post with positive comments, Dr. Henderson says.

About contraception and consent

The truth is, whether you want to acknowledge it or not, your teen is going to explore these topics — likely, with their friends or with people on social media. The more you normalize the conversations on complicated topics and create a comfortable environment where your teen can talk to you, the better, Dr. Henderson says.

“These conversations are complicated, but it’s important to have them,” she says. “Consider where you would rather them learn about things like sex and contraception and pregnancy: online or from you?”

About substance use

Substance use is another topic where it helps to lead by example. If you drink alcohol at home, for instance, you probably shouldn’t start a conversation with your teen by telling them that all drugs are bad, Dr. Henderson says.  

Instead, you may want to start by explaining that the reason the legal drinking age is 21 is because the brain doesn’t fully develop until adulthood.

“It truly goes back to having these conversations before the problem arises,” Dr. Henderson says. “Have proactive conversations with your teen about how to resist temptations and find trusted resources. Practice with your kid saying no to their peers if they’re not comfortable with something, and make sure they know they can always call you, no questions asked.” 

While your teen should understand that the “no questions asked” policy doesn’t mean there won’t still be consequences the next day, they also need to know that the most important thing is you’ll be there for them even if they make a mistake.

Get help talking with your teen

If you’re struggling to get started, remember there’s no one-size-fits-all template for how often you should ask your teen how they’re doing. Instead, it’s often based on your teen and their individual personality and needs. Some children may need a daily check-in. Others may benefit more from weekly or even monthly conversations.

You can also use resources like your child’s pediatrician or Work2BeWell.org, a teen-led mental health and wellness program that provides mental health resources for teens, teachers and parents.

And don’t forget that needing help as a parent doesn’t mean you’re a bad one. 

“You’re not perfect,” Dr. Henderson says. “You’re going to make mistakes. You’re probably even going to yell at your kid once in a while. Learn to forgive yourself. And learn how to apologize to your kid if it does happen or if you didn’t handle something well. That can be really powerful.”

Also, once you’ve had a hard conversation with your teen, remember to let it go.

“Don’t keep harping on it, or, even worse, bring it up in front of relatives,” Dr. Henderson says. “That’s the fastest way to destroy trust. Instead, think of how you’d want to be treated in a similar situation.”

Contributing caregiver

Robin Henderson, Psy.D., is chief executive for behavioral health for Providence Oregon.

Find a doctor

If you are looking for a pediatrician or adolescent medicine provider, you can search for one who’s right for you in our provider directory.  

Our adolescent medicine doctors, for example, are specially trained to work with preteens through young adults on issues related to:

• Eating disorders
• Mind/body concerns
• Reproductive health care
• Weight management 

Download the Providence app

It’s all in the app: easily stay connected with Providence and your health. With the Providence app, you can schedule appointments, have virtual visits from the comfort of your own home, get health recommendations personalized for you, access your health records and so much more. Learn more and download the app.

Related resources

Mental illnesses and behavioral disorders in youth: Common signs to look out for

Sleep strategies for kids: Expert advice from a Providence pediatrician

How to talk to your teen about vaping

This information is not intended as a substitute for professional medical care. Always follow your health care professional’s instructions.